Therapy?

So, yes, I started this blog to write about life as a mom and grad school and gardening but somehow it has morphed at times into my own personal journal. Tonight I am afraid if I don't write then I will forget the power of this moment, forget how painful and yet insightful this time of my life is.

With my history, I have certainly been able to recognize that there is pain and hurt but I always thought I just "got over it". I would work with clients who were paralyzed by depression and fear and thank God that I wasn't like that.

Then, second year of grad school hit and more and more . . . I see where my pain and my own scars are. I was considering doing some therapy with my prior therapist who I saw after my divorce. It's been three years since I saw her, and gave her a call. To make a long story short, I won't be seeing her again, but that isn't want got me. When we were talking about my history she said to me something that seems so obvious yet at the same time something that I just never "Got" before.

She spoke of my relationship with my mother and said that my mom was clearly borderline . . . . which is something that I have really recognized for awhile but not something that I necessarily thought somebody else woudl see. . . then she talked about how I had lived a life as a child where my feelings were always invalidated, a life where my relationships were never secure, and that now as an adult, I repeat those patterns in my relationships with others . . . my feelings are invalidated and do not matter. I choose partners that are not secure and then I sit and wonder why I am emotionally a wreck.

Ok, so . . . Captain Obvious I am not . . . I never made that connection, even in all the years of working with clients in crisis (oh so much easier to work on somebody else then to look at yourself). I never really stopped to look at the parallells between my serious relationships and the relationship with my mom. It seems so obvious I don't even know what to think about it.

This weekend I was thinking about how many times my mom would say that I got something in life because I was spoiled, or because I was lucky. When I was small I went with her to feed the elderly at a local church, when we left I told her how happy I was that they liked me (I had been very scared of them walking in). Mom looked at me and said "they only like you because your my daughter". nice. I remember being so sad, so very sad that they didn't really like me for me, but for her.

That pattern has played out so many times through my life. My kids were only good because she was around to help. I only had a nice home when I was married because of David. I only graduated college because she helped me. Never, once, ever have I done anything good simply because I worked hard, applied myself and stuck to it. Not in her eyes anyway. So, as a child growing up, I grew to realize that I was a person who wasn't good enough. I never worked hard enough, I never was smart enough, never planned well enough. Never, ever good enough.

When I would have a need, that was always secondary. It wasn't important to have new clothing for school . . . we could get hand me downs. It wasn't important to be safe at home, if somebody wanted to stay over I slept on the floor. It didn't matter if I was cold and walkign the streets alone at 12, because she was "finding herself" in the bar. It didn't matter that I was pregnant at 13 by her boyfriend, because it was easier for her to pretend it didnt matter. . . and from her, I learned that I didn't matter. I carried that feeling of not mattering through a rough marriage, where I became a doormat. I gave up having a vehicle, a telephone, friends, relationships . .. . I gave it all up because I had learned so very well, that my feelings just did not matter, and what was important was to hold somebody elses feelings as a priority.

I don't even know what to think now, with this knowledge. Though it seems so simple, it is revolutionary to me. It just . . .. opens my mind to so much. I want to think, I want to learn, I want to understand. I really really want to nurture myself, to care for the person that never has been cared for before. I want to care for my body both physical and emotional. I want to walk in peace with myself and know . . . know that I am ok. I want to learn to love myself, as cliche as that sounds . . . . I really really want to learn that I am alright. How do I do that? I don't know . . . .

how can I feel so sad and relieved at the same time?

Almost spring. . . maybe?

I haven't blogged here much, maybe it was due to moving, the computer crashing, grad school, who knows. I know that there have been times I thought about it but life is moving a long like a whirlwind. So often I come home in the evening and can't even think about what to do next, let alone find time to sit and blog. Good think I function in auto-mode. Work, dinner, baths, bed, then up a few hours later to do it again.

We have moved, which, is good and bad. I love the new home but there is no garden space here. I am going to build garden beds in the yard like our last home, but this yard is challenging. We are on a slope and there are so many huge trees that will shade the garden. I think that I will do four beds that are four by four, then one that is eight by four, and then a few smaller beds tucked here and there. I bought a mini greenhouse that seeds will be started in. I haven't put it together yet . . . hopefully today if all goes well.

Thinking about gardening, wow. We now are the proud owners of a Saint Bernard. I think that I see disaster happening with the new garden beds, but time will tell. We have to figure out how to keep our sanity and keep him out of the gardens at the same time. Should be, uhm, challenging?

I think I may explore container gardening a bit more as the one fully sunny space we have is on our back deck. I find that I still get stuck in my "garden goes in the ground in a square" mentality when it comes to planting.

As for the rest of life, in my nongardening bits, I think I am bordering on exhaustion. Serious, serious exhaustion. I work four ten hour days and go to grad school on Fridays. Monday nights we have girl scouts, Thursday nights we have boy scouts. By Friday night I am non functioning, my brain is completely numb. Saturday we clean, shop, do all the things we need to do. The kids want to go to church on Sundays. I am trying to find my last piece of energy from wherever I can find it, to accomplish this as well. Did I mention that softball starts this week? Lordy

Christmas Shopping and Savings!

Anybody who has been around here long knows that I love the sales and saving money. Part of that is necessity . . . being a single mom with five kids, ok, technically four are at home and one is a block away . . . Part of it is just the concept that if I can prepare healthy meals for cheaper, if I can save money on items I would be buying anyway, then why not.

About a year or so ago I joined grocergygame.com and began using that system. It shocked me how much money I saved going there. You pay a low fee and then weekly she gives you lists of the coupons that match your local store savings. It ads up quickly!!! My Sunday morning routine is getting up early and going to the local Albertsons. I buy 2 newspapers (a local and an Oregonian) and a dozen donuts. I come home and begin clipping my coupons, then match them with the ads and the list from grocery game. Today I went back to Albertsons, I had 202.52 worth of groceries, but after coupons and sales I paid 48.00.

The important thing is to stay away from the junk food that so much of the coupons are. I don't care if it is .25, I am not going to buy my kids sugar cereal or sugary drinks. However when you get sales like today . . . 8 boxes of Chex cereal for 4.00 then it really makes it worth it.

Other great sales are the current Toys R Us sales going on. I went the other day and bought games for 3.99 and 5.99 each. For every 25.00 I got a 10.00 gift card (making the games 15.00) then each game had a rebate so I got 12.00 back . . . I took the 10 dollar card back to Toys R Us during a short 4 hour sale. There were several items that my kids wanted that were on a drastic price markdown, one was a very popular toy (which remains unnamed since my kids read this) that my son wanted for 40 bucks . . . marked down to 10.00. SO, I filled the cart with the deals, got to 76.00 and walked away paying 66.00 (with the gift card) and have 2 more 10.00 gift cards for the big sale, so I would have payed 224 bucks, and really . . . I ended up paying 44.00. I love sales!

I ordered photo christmas cards for free from Kodak (they give you 15.00 free when you join) and free shipping. . . so 30 cards cost me 2.49. I then found another site which gave 50 photo greeting cards for 0.00 . . . so of course I made a second batch to go with the first! THEN they sent a coupon for free ornaments with your childs picture on it, so I did two of those for gifts for my mom and daughter.

Did I mention getting UP and Monsters Inc Blue Ray videos for uhmm 10.49 (yes, that is for both, not each)

I love freebies :)

I have knocked my Christmas gift list in half and have spend less then 100 bucks!

Life is good!

Pain

This blog is . . . or was . . intended to be about my experiences as a single mom, my ups and downs, my journeys. Over the summer it took a huge emphasis on growing and preserving, lately I haven't wrote as much. Life lately has been busy and spinning out of control. Some days I can't even get enough energy to read my children a book let alone come on here and write . . . yet writing is my release, my way of getting my feelings out, my way of processing.

This always goes to a strange place. . . . is a public forum like a blog the right place to process what is going on in ones life? In many ways I think not, well, not for me. I am a somewhat private person, I may be very vocal with loved ones but not with others. The thought of sharing emotions with anybody makes me uncomfortable.

On the other hand, I have grown and stretched and learned from people who were willing to do just that. To be open. To be vulnerable. To reach out. To be honest. I can't think of how many times in my life I have been wandering the internet and found somebody's personal story and it moved me, or it made me think of something else, or it brought up a new perspective, maybe for me, maybe for a client, but it was valuable in some way.

So with that said, I probably may get more raw in my writings and postings at times. I am in a bit of an emotional upheaval in my own life and I am seeking an outlet. If somebody is not comfortable with reading that, then they certainly don't have to, they can scroll past to see the pictures of jellys and applesauce and happy children picking peaches . . . . and there is nothing wrong with that.

What brought this on for me was a somewhat recent development in my life. For some time I have been going to the gym and working out, but recently I started with a new trainer and on a new program. Granted I am not searching to be a model but I do want to begin seeing a difference in my health and my body. My old workouts weren't cutting it.

I met my new trainer at 5 am several weeks ago, on a Thursday morning. I was a bit intimidated by her but I showed up anyway because I also value her knowledge. Well, she had told me to prepare for a good workout and she wasn't kidding. 90 minutes later dripping in sweat I was done. I had my plan set up, I knew what path to take.

As I began my daily workouts I pushed myself. I am only 34, I am reasonably healthy and I wanted to go as far as I could. What has come out of this is shocking to me. I realize that as I push myself to the point of exhaustion (in a good way) my muscles begin to tremble and shake, its a slightly out of control feeling but at the same time a completly in control feeling because I am doing this by my own choice. I am controlling my body . . . something very very different for me.

The first time it happened I was lying on my back lifting weights, maybe it was the position, maybe it was the out of control, maybe it was a lot of things but I began to shake, I pushed myself, and then, out of nowhere, I began to sob. This was a strange silent sobbing like I have never ever encountered. I had no idea where it was coming from, I just sobbed and sobbed and the more I sobbed the more I pushed myself. I was confused and very angry at the same time.

I thought that maybe I just had a rough morning, maybe it was my recent medical stuff, who knows. Over the next week it happened several more times, each time catching me completely off guard. Then I was home running on my treadmill. I was increasing my time actually running and was struggling with that but pushing myself. All of a sudden I found myself sobbing again and thinking . . . . for the first time during one of these episodes . . . . about my childhood sexual abuse. It just all came together for me. This is the first time in my entire life that I have been in control of my body, when I was recognizing my muscles, when I was in tune with how I was feeling in every inch of my skin. That was horribly difficult . . .

After I got done with that workout I began thinking about this, and have been processing for days. I realize more then ever that while I was being abused I would "check out". I hated what was going on so badly that I would remove myself physically. I had patterns . . . if it was the bedroom then I would count the tiles on the ceiling in a certain pattern, usually by the time I did it twice he was done. If it was the hallway I would look for flies in the screen and count them repetitiously until it was over. I would make patterns. I would play connect the dots with the flies in order to prevent feeling my stepfather taking complete control of my body. By disconnecting with my body I couldn't feel when he pushed me a certain way, slapped me, moved me or hit me. By disconnecting with the situation I was able to get through labor completely unmedicated at 13 years old with a 9 pound baby. By disconnecting I was able function for another year and a half in the house with a man who raped me daily and threatened my babies life if I didn't comply.

I realize that I have spent the rest of my life disconnecting. I have had people tell me this, that I don't connect well, that I don't trust, that I don't seem like I can truly *be present* . . . with two exceptions. First my children . . . . and second clients I work with. I think I always knew that this was partially true but I thought I was fine . . . healed from the past . . . I am a graduate student studying to be a therapist . .. I am great . . . I am over it.

This has made me realize . . . truly see for the first time that I am not over it, and that the sexual abuse as a child has still impacted my life greatly. I am 34 and single. It isn't for lack of partners but I just can't get myself to a place of letting them in. I don't know how to do that. I put up walls, I make excuses, I say I am too busy . . .

I realize as I write this that since I have begun crying during my workouts, crying over feeling every cell in my body coming alive that it is a bit like hybernation . . .. I have been hybernating for over 20 years. It is time for me to wake up. Time to come alive and feel the light of this life, to feel an awareness in my body that is positive and not coming from a place of fear. Time for me to be fuly who I am. It's finally time.

No pics, but lots of thoughts

My life feels like it has turned into an insane and out of control spinning wheel. There are days, like today, where I just don't know how this can continue. I don't know if its depression, if its exhaustion, if its all of everything put together. Something has to give, something has to change. I don't know what that is yet.

I was in a certain unit at work. For the sake of confidentiality I can't speak much of it, but the atmosphere was so very hostile. I went from a place of loving my job and enjoying each and every day to a place of utter fear of what each day would bring. I was very aware that it wasn't really me, it was the environment but that didn't help much.

One of the complicating factors of this situation is the fact that I currently have a practicum placement with my employer in another unit. What that means, in simple terms is that I work my regular job half time and spend half my time in a seperate unit working towards my Masters in Social Work. If I was to quit my job, that would mean losing my placement, which then means dropping out of graduate school. In reality, I don't want to do that though there are times I have great fantasies of a life where all that I have to do is sleep, eat, work and play wiht my children lol.

This week was a breakthrough though and I learned that I will be moving to a new unit. This was done to spare me, and I was told it was because they wanted to retain me as a social worker. Yay! So, while I am incredibly relieved and thankful that I have this opportunity, at the same time I recognize that there is a certain amount of stress in this, as it is a new unit. . . new people . . . new supervisor.

Grad school is exhausting me as well. I work four ten hour days, Fridays I am in school for eight hours, I have Saturday and Sunday to catch up on everything else and do homework for the week. Sometimes I think I am hanging on by my fingertips. I hope that I can continue this for another year . . . please God, give me the strength to keep going.

However I do have some hope. I have a new Dr. and saw her two weeks ago. She had some concerns and did a ton of bloodwork. Today was my first appointment again to go over the labs. She walked in and said "Katrina . . . how are you even functioning??"

That was my first clue that my labs weren't fabulous. SO, while I am a bit wierded out that something is wrong with me (I used to be so healthy and have never ever been sick until the past year) I am also relieved to know that I am not a hypochondriac and something actually is the matter with me. I also believe that this exhaustion and other symptoms I am having may actually have an end in site.

SO . . . Here is what I know.

I am not diabetic but my glucose levels were off enough that I am very close. Considering my family history of diabetes (runs rampant in both maternal and paternal families) we have agreed to treat me as if I have diabetes. I start on Glucophage tomorrow. The idea is that it will stabilize my blood sugars and keep me from being diabetic as long as possible. I will also continue eating right, always mixing a protein with a complex carb. This is simple enough for me.

What I didn't know . . . .

I have hypothyroidism. In other words, my thyroid gave up and went away. This was stunning to me because several of the symptoms are ones I have been complaining about in vain to my last dr.
*throat issues, hoarse voice, trouble swallowing, always feeling like something is in your throat
* unexplained weight gain, even when exercising and eating well
*hair falling out constantly
*exhaustion.

SO I start Synthroid tomorrow as well. I have never had to take a medication on a regular basis before so this is interesting . . . I don't even take tylenol or birth control pills. I have always been so very resistant to western medicine and physicians.

I have adrenal failure.
This is interesting . . .

So, from what I gather so far, keeping in mind I just found out and have very little knowledge. . . this is a condition that happens when the body is so stressed that it depletes itself of certain hormones (?) the effect is exhaustion (really???) depression (not sure?) mood swings (my kids may say so) but the most interesting one to me is food allergies, particularly ones that change and/or lactose and gluten intolerances.

THIS is monumental to me. I have been saying for a few years that my allergies are insane. I wasn't able to eat or even touch apples for several years but I can eat certain ones now. . . . I can be touched by a shrimp and have severe allergies yet the other day I accidently ate a whole shrimp (thought it was mar far chicken) and had no reaction whatsoever. I have asked about this for years to be told . . . nothing. Nata. I'm nuts.

Now . .. there is a reason. Even more exciting is that I can treat this one naturally without medication. Basically reduce stress, sleep well, and take a ton of supplements that support adrenal functioning . . . .I plan to study up on this well tonight.

And, last, but apparently not least because she gave alot of stress over this . . . my Vitamin D is almost non-existant. It's wayyyyyy low. Some of the side effects are uhmmmm exhaustion . . . lol . . . along with several other things I could identify with.

SO, tonight I am posting all of this to keep it in mind, to think about it, to ponder it. I have thought that my levels of exhaustion and feeling unable to cope is about me just not being strong enough, maybe its about me being human. Maybe I should have asked for help a long time ago. Maybe my body is telling me. . . screaming at me . . . to take care of it.

Maybe I should listen.

updates

I haven't updated in quite some time, life has been very very busy here this summer. I spend my week working all day, getting home around 5:30 and usually throwing something on the grill as well as grabbing whatever veggies are available. Weekends have been spent out fishing or camping or else at home canning whatever I find in my path :-) It has been busy for sure, but well worth it, especially as I watch my cupboards begin to fill up. Later this week I will update on my totals so far.

Canning this summer has been pretty fun actually. I have been visiting www.gardenweb.com which has several vegetable forums as well as a harvest forum. I have found the most delicious recipes there. My two favorites are a salsa recipe and an Apple Pie Jam recipe. They are so delicious I can't seem to make enough!

Here are just a few fun pics from this summer . . ..


I guess you can't really see it on here but this was a huge bumblebee coated in pollen in my Zucchini plant. It is wonderful to see them, definately more this year then last year. With more people using organic principles and less pesticides, it seems they are coming around a bit more. I was sure happy to see him!

This cute little yellow bird visits the garden daily. He is so tiny that he is actually just resting there on a chard leaf. Hes quite cute! I love sharing the garden with him.

Dinner one night, this was all of our homemade organic yummy delicious food! How's that for a descriptive sentance lol. We had bbq'd chicken (courtesy of safeway) sliced cucumbers, zucchini - parmeson bread, sauteed garlic and chard, homemade salsa and pickles and the leftover apples from canning became pie. Nothing so good as whole healthy foods. I feel blessed to have them to give to my family, and I sure wish that others would see how simple it is!

Salsa ~ Beautiful jars of salsa, this is the best ever. I can't seem to make enough because Katie keeps opening jars and once one is open . . . its all over with :)

One day of canning, This was beans, applie pie jam, and I think veggie soup? I don't remember.

This was part of todays work. This weekend we put up 12 more quarts of tomatos, 2 pints sloppy joe sauce, 4 quarts tomato juice, 9 more pints salsa, 8 jars raspberry jelly, 7 pints applesauce, 7 pints apple pie jam, 4 quarts of spaghetti sauce and 7 more jars of tomato-garlic soup.

That should suffice for a weekend :-)

Not much prettier then raspberry jam

Todays applesauce, raspberry jelly and apple pie jam.

Now - I am exhausted so . . . better updates later!

Peaches . . . 250 pounds of peaches!

I woke up two weekends ago thinking it was probably peach picking time. I saw that a local orchard had peaches for 45 cents a pound. I thought about how fun it would be to take the kids to the orchard and let them go crazy picking peaches. I thought about 70 pounds or so, maybe 3 boxes would be a good amount for some peach jam and some jars of canned peaches. These are so good in the dead of winter! We love to open a jar and make a peach cobbler or spoon them over pancakes or waffles. . . I knew the kids would be up for a morning picking peaches and we had a friend over that . . . lets just say this kiddo has a tough life, and I thought it would be a blast for her to go picking with us.

Before we left I went and picked a 5 gallon bucket of cucumbers for pickles and a 5 gallon bucket of tomatos for salsa and pasta sauce. I figured since I would have the canner going for a load or two of peaches I would do them at the same time.

I then loaded up four kiddos and off we went to the orchard. Each kid had a bucket, not too big, most were 3 -4 gallon sizes. . . and then . . . I let them go.

NOW here is a warning! If you do NOT want to feel invasion of the Jolly Peachy Peach . . do not do what I do. Indeed. . . do NOT take your children to the orchard and let them go. Tether them with rope and twine, or better yet, leave them home and buy the cans for 99 cents . . . but if you don't heed my warning, this is what you will find . . .




Here is our friend Des . . . figuing out how to balance her box with a ladder and peaches . . .

Hannah, delighted that she found another bag to fill with peaches. She made jelly out of this batch and brought it to her new and old teachers for the first day of school! They loved it! I was just glad to get more peach stuff OUT of our home . . .

Des Katie and Hannah scoping the best peaches, of course, they were the ones highest in the tree

Jake on a ladder, perched at the top. It would have been way too easy for the smallest kid to pick the peaches at the base of the tree. Alas, Jake had to fight for the ladder then climb to the very top and hand me peaches one at a time (do you see now why I was distracted from our peach mountain building?)

Hannah had to have her turn with the ladder as well . . . and hand the peaches down one at a time!

Some. . .S O M E of the over 250 pounds of peaches that ended up loaded in our car, see, I didn't realize that the kids were getting extra buckets in the field. To be fair, they told me but I assumed they meant filling their own buckets. . . I don't know why I didn't make the connection . . . This is only a bit of them. We gave a box to Des, one to my daughter, one to my mom, one to a friend, buckets to 2 friends, 3 neighbors and the magician that came to my daughters birthday party!

I put them to work! Here is Jake slicing cucumbers for pickles. That was NOT the day to come up with this job, WHAT was I thinking??

Hannah got put to work on the tomatos . . . .

SOME of the bounty . . . in all we ended up with about 122 quarts of peaches from that endeavor!

A snapshot from the pantry . . . its not full yet but we are rapidly filling it up. That doesn't include the produce in the freezer! Its full of shredded zucchini for bread in the winter, corn, beans and other yummy stuff.

The garden is replanted for winter . . . carrots, beets, turnips, radishes, spinach, lettuce and more is sprouting up between ginormous zucchini and overgrown tomatos . . .

Life is beatiful!