No pics, but lots of thoughts

My life feels like it has turned into an insane and out of control spinning wheel. There are days, like today, where I just don't know how this can continue. I don't know if its depression, if its exhaustion, if its all of everything put together. Something has to give, something has to change. I don't know what that is yet.

I was in a certain unit at work. For the sake of confidentiality I can't speak much of it, but the atmosphere was so very hostile. I went from a place of loving my job and enjoying each and every day to a place of utter fear of what each day would bring. I was very aware that it wasn't really me, it was the environment but that didn't help much.

One of the complicating factors of this situation is the fact that I currently have a practicum placement with my employer in another unit. What that means, in simple terms is that I work my regular job half time and spend half my time in a seperate unit working towards my Masters in Social Work. If I was to quit my job, that would mean losing my placement, which then means dropping out of graduate school. In reality, I don't want to do that though there are times I have great fantasies of a life where all that I have to do is sleep, eat, work and play wiht my children lol.

This week was a breakthrough though and I learned that I will be moving to a new unit. This was done to spare me, and I was told it was because they wanted to retain me as a social worker. Yay! So, while I am incredibly relieved and thankful that I have this opportunity, at the same time I recognize that there is a certain amount of stress in this, as it is a new unit. . . new people . . . new supervisor.

Grad school is exhausting me as well. I work four ten hour days, Fridays I am in school for eight hours, I have Saturday and Sunday to catch up on everything else and do homework for the week. Sometimes I think I am hanging on by my fingertips. I hope that I can continue this for another year . . . please God, give me the strength to keep going.

However I do have some hope. I have a new Dr. and saw her two weeks ago. She had some concerns and did a ton of bloodwork. Today was my first appointment again to go over the labs. She walked in and said "Katrina . . . how are you even functioning??"

That was my first clue that my labs weren't fabulous. SO, while I am a bit wierded out that something is wrong with me (I used to be so healthy and have never ever been sick until the past year) I am also relieved to know that I am not a hypochondriac and something actually is the matter with me. I also believe that this exhaustion and other symptoms I am having may actually have an end in site.

SO . . . Here is what I know.

I am not diabetic but my glucose levels were off enough that I am very close. Considering my family history of diabetes (runs rampant in both maternal and paternal families) we have agreed to treat me as if I have diabetes. I start on Glucophage tomorrow. The idea is that it will stabilize my blood sugars and keep me from being diabetic as long as possible. I will also continue eating right, always mixing a protein with a complex carb. This is simple enough for me.

What I didn't know . . . .

I have hypothyroidism. In other words, my thyroid gave up and went away. This was stunning to me because several of the symptoms are ones I have been complaining about in vain to my last dr.
*throat issues, hoarse voice, trouble swallowing, always feeling like something is in your throat
* unexplained weight gain, even when exercising and eating well
*hair falling out constantly
*exhaustion.

SO I start Synthroid tomorrow as well. I have never had to take a medication on a regular basis before so this is interesting . . . I don't even take tylenol or birth control pills. I have always been so very resistant to western medicine and physicians.

I have adrenal failure.
This is interesting . . .

So, from what I gather so far, keeping in mind I just found out and have very little knowledge. . . this is a condition that happens when the body is so stressed that it depletes itself of certain hormones (?) the effect is exhaustion (really???) depression (not sure?) mood swings (my kids may say so) but the most interesting one to me is food allergies, particularly ones that change and/or lactose and gluten intolerances.

THIS is monumental to me. I have been saying for a few years that my allergies are insane. I wasn't able to eat or even touch apples for several years but I can eat certain ones now. . . . I can be touched by a shrimp and have severe allergies yet the other day I accidently ate a whole shrimp (thought it was mar far chicken) and had no reaction whatsoever. I have asked about this for years to be told . . . nothing. Nata. I'm nuts.

Now . .. there is a reason. Even more exciting is that I can treat this one naturally without medication. Basically reduce stress, sleep well, and take a ton of supplements that support adrenal functioning . . . .I plan to study up on this well tonight.

And, last, but apparently not least because she gave alot of stress over this . . . my Vitamin D is almost non-existant. It's wayyyyyy low. Some of the side effects are uhmmmm exhaustion . . . lol . . . along with several other things I could identify with.

SO, tonight I am posting all of this to keep it in mind, to think about it, to ponder it. I have thought that my levels of exhaustion and feeling unable to cope is about me just not being strong enough, maybe its about me being human. Maybe I should have asked for help a long time ago. Maybe my body is telling me. . . screaming at me . . . to take care of it.

Maybe I should listen.

updates

I haven't updated in quite some time, life has been very very busy here this summer. I spend my week working all day, getting home around 5:30 and usually throwing something on the grill as well as grabbing whatever veggies are available. Weekends have been spent out fishing or camping or else at home canning whatever I find in my path :-) It has been busy for sure, but well worth it, especially as I watch my cupboards begin to fill up. Later this week I will update on my totals so far.

Canning this summer has been pretty fun actually. I have been visiting www.gardenweb.com which has several vegetable forums as well as a harvest forum. I have found the most delicious recipes there. My two favorites are a salsa recipe and an Apple Pie Jam recipe. They are so delicious I can't seem to make enough!

Here are just a few fun pics from this summer . . ..


I guess you can't really see it on here but this was a huge bumblebee coated in pollen in my Zucchini plant. It is wonderful to see them, definately more this year then last year. With more people using organic principles and less pesticides, it seems they are coming around a bit more. I was sure happy to see him!

This cute little yellow bird visits the garden daily. He is so tiny that he is actually just resting there on a chard leaf. Hes quite cute! I love sharing the garden with him.

Dinner one night, this was all of our homemade organic yummy delicious food! How's that for a descriptive sentance lol. We had bbq'd chicken (courtesy of safeway) sliced cucumbers, zucchini - parmeson bread, sauteed garlic and chard, homemade salsa and pickles and the leftover apples from canning became pie. Nothing so good as whole healthy foods. I feel blessed to have them to give to my family, and I sure wish that others would see how simple it is!

Salsa ~ Beautiful jars of salsa, this is the best ever. I can't seem to make enough because Katie keeps opening jars and once one is open . . . its all over with :)

One day of canning, This was beans, applie pie jam, and I think veggie soup? I don't remember.

This was part of todays work. This weekend we put up 12 more quarts of tomatos, 2 pints sloppy joe sauce, 4 quarts tomato juice, 9 more pints salsa, 8 jars raspberry jelly, 7 pints applesauce, 7 pints apple pie jam, 4 quarts of spaghetti sauce and 7 more jars of tomato-garlic soup.

That should suffice for a weekend :-)

Not much prettier then raspberry jam

Todays applesauce, raspberry jelly and apple pie jam.

Now - I am exhausted so . . . better updates later!

Peaches . . . 250 pounds of peaches!

I woke up two weekends ago thinking it was probably peach picking time. I saw that a local orchard had peaches for 45 cents a pound. I thought about how fun it would be to take the kids to the orchard and let them go crazy picking peaches. I thought about 70 pounds or so, maybe 3 boxes would be a good amount for some peach jam and some jars of canned peaches. These are so good in the dead of winter! We love to open a jar and make a peach cobbler or spoon them over pancakes or waffles. . . I knew the kids would be up for a morning picking peaches and we had a friend over that . . . lets just say this kiddo has a tough life, and I thought it would be a blast for her to go picking with us.

Before we left I went and picked a 5 gallon bucket of cucumbers for pickles and a 5 gallon bucket of tomatos for salsa and pasta sauce. I figured since I would have the canner going for a load or two of peaches I would do them at the same time.

I then loaded up four kiddos and off we went to the orchard. Each kid had a bucket, not too big, most were 3 -4 gallon sizes. . . and then . . . I let them go.

NOW here is a warning! If you do NOT want to feel invasion of the Jolly Peachy Peach . . do not do what I do. Indeed. . . do NOT take your children to the orchard and let them go. Tether them with rope and twine, or better yet, leave them home and buy the cans for 99 cents . . . but if you don't heed my warning, this is what you will find . . .




Here is our friend Des . . . figuing out how to balance her box with a ladder and peaches . . .

Hannah, delighted that she found another bag to fill with peaches. She made jelly out of this batch and brought it to her new and old teachers for the first day of school! They loved it! I was just glad to get more peach stuff OUT of our home . . .

Des Katie and Hannah scoping the best peaches, of course, they were the ones highest in the tree

Jake on a ladder, perched at the top. It would have been way too easy for the smallest kid to pick the peaches at the base of the tree. Alas, Jake had to fight for the ladder then climb to the very top and hand me peaches one at a time (do you see now why I was distracted from our peach mountain building?)

Hannah had to have her turn with the ladder as well . . . and hand the peaches down one at a time!

Some. . .S O M E of the over 250 pounds of peaches that ended up loaded in our car, see, I didn't realize that the kids were getting extra buckets in the field. To be fair, they told me but I assumed they meant filling their own buckets. . . I don't know why I didn't make the connection . . . This is only a bit of them. We gave a box to Des, one to my daughter, one to my mom, one to a friend, buckets to 2 friends, 3 neighbors and the magician that came to my daughters birthday party!

I put them to work! Here is Jake slicing cucumbers for pickles. That was NOT the day to come up with this job, WHAT was I thinking??

Hannah got put to work on the tomatos . . . .

SOME of the bounty . . . in all we ended up with about 122 quarts of peaches from that endeavor!

A snapshot from the pantry . . . its not full yet but we are rapidly filling it up. That doesn't include the produce in the freezer! Its full of shredded zucchini for bread in the winter, corn, beans and other yummy stuff.

The garden is replanted for winter . . . carrots, beets, turnips, radishes, spinach, lettuce and more is sprouting up between ginormous zucchini and overgrown tomatos . . .

Life is beatiful!

Camping again this weekend . . .

So, there is so much I want to blog about and vent about but for right now, for this moment, for tonight, I just am going to share pics from last weekend and revel in the glory that living in Oregon provides. Sometimes I get upset and want to move far away but when I look at these pictures and have the memories held so tender in my heart, I realize I have everything I could truly ask for here. . . .

Last weekend I was planning on staying home and getting some stuff done around the house. I go back to grad school in four weeks and with it getting close to fall there is alot of stuff to get done. I need to fix up the bunny cages, plant more garden veggies for the fall and winter, clean out summer clothing and get fall clothing out, not to mention canning the garden produce and just . . . . it goes on and on.

Then my mom said she would go camping with me for the weekend. WOWSA! Mom hasn't camped with me in years so I really couldn't resist the opportunity. So, we packed up and headed to one of our favorite spots that is about an hour away. I had such a good time fishing and playing in the water, eating tons of food and relaxing. I wish every weekend was camping lol! So, here are some pics to share . . .





This is one of the views, we spent alot of time fishing right here. Good rainbow trout!

Dinner! 7 fresh rainbow trout and burgers . . . and baked beans in the dutch oven. Oh that fish was SO good!!!

Jake showing off his balancing skills

Kids + Water + Mud = REALLY fun time!!!

Nature's balance beam . . . here goes Hannah testing her courage and balance . . .

Here is Hannah showing her lack of balance. OUCH!

Kiah ~ on the eve of turning Fourteen, she is still able to let her childlike side out and play in the sand and water. I feel amazingly blessed to have such a simple and happy child. I think she has an amazing life set ahead for her.

Jake, happy as could be with the water right there. He could spend all day out there playing.

Hannah Too!!

Jumping off the ledge proved to be a hilarious blast of fun. Sometimes it was just taking turns, at other times it was running yelling "CANNONBALL", either way, it was great fun!

JUMP!

Katie showing off part of her catch

Jake fishing away . . . nice to see him mellow

Hope you liked our show . . . . Vent to follow :)

HOT

SO, here it is the end of August. . . time too cool down and begin thinking about fall crops. Over the past ten days or so I have put out flats of cabbage and broccoli, onions, leeks, and more. I have direct seeded my turnips, carrots and beets. . . then, today, I am working away and was swamped with work when somebody mentions how hot it is outside. . . .

I take a look at the temp and its a mighty 104

No sprinkler left on the garden to cool it down . . . . no deep watering the night before . . .

I came home to find my carrots, beets and turnips fried and gone.

Alas. . . .we may have no fall veggies. I will try to replant after the heat wave but that is pushing us really close. This weekend we are fishing and camping so I don't think its going to happen until early next week.

Well, there is always spinach and lettuce and. . . .chard. .. . .lots of chard lol!

Mind wandering over salsa

Today I was canning salsa, and it gave my mind time to wander. . . which as you will see later isn't such a good thing . . . but it really got me to thinking about my life now, where I am, where I am going, and where I thought I would be. I find that lately I have been reflecting more then I have at any other time of my life. I think I am quite uncomfortable with it honestly.

I turned 34 a week ago. I took it really hard, not because I am getting older. I have no real fears of growing old or death. My heart is heavy though because I realize that I am not where I wanted to be, and in many ways, the years I had hoped for are gone. I can't really do what I wanted. . . and my dream has to change.

I never wanted a degree, I never wanted to be a career woman, I never wanted to have alot of money or a fancy car. My dream, as long as I can remember, was a few acres with a barn, a cow or two, some chickens, big gardens, clotheslines, playing with my children and a good strong husband to come home to. I had that dream for awhile, when I was married and homeschooled my children. I felt blessed to have baby four and baby five enter my life. I thought I was in utopia, until it fell apart . . . anyway. . . . After that no option existed to stay in the marriage and I knew someday I would want to buy a home again. That left me with one option . . . get a degree and be able to support myself better then I was doing.

The first summer or two after my divorce were so painful. I was living in an apartment with my kids, they had begun going to public school, my babies were in daycare and I was working three jobs while going to school. I would see plants and seeds and gardening items hit the store and would literally avoid going anywhere near them because I missed it so badly that it hurt. I will never forget that feeling of dread in my stomach, not wanting to look, not wanting to remember all that I had lost. I would reel in the pain of it. At least those days are done . . . I absolutely love my garden now, and have been able to let the earlier pain go. . . . usually.

I guess graduating from college gave me all this extra *time* that I haven't had in years. That time gave me the opportunity to reflect, and keep reflecting on what I want. I realize I went through the phase of hating men . . . . *sorry to any male reading this* and I went through my phase of trying to spend alot of money on clothing and vacations to convince myself that I was successful. I went through the phase of deciding to move far away and start all over. . . . and when all was said and done. I still want the same thing. A loving man and a home in the country.

What is particularly difficult is realizing that while I was chasing dreams and fantasies. . . my children have grown up. Jayme is gone from the home, the others are 14 and 15 . . . soon to be out the door. Hannah and Jake are going to be 7 and 9 this year. Time flew . . . where was I? And while that time flew, I grew. . .. I got healthier, I got a degree, I became self sufficient. However I still come home to an empty bed. I don't have anybody to spend my weekend with or cook for. Nobody to make love to, nobody to make plans with.

It hurts. It is a cold feeling to realize how alone you truly are in this world. Sometimes I wake at night and all I can think about is what to do next. Do I buy my cabin on 3 acres here? Go to Eugene? Alaska? What do I do?

And sometimes, the thought of always doing it alone just makes it worse. Recently an old love of mine appeared in my life again. I had a fleeting moment of hope that he was going to come back. We talked about food and country life. I dared to dream. I held a hope . . . and just like that he was gone again. Sometimes, it just hurts.

The feminist in me wants to kick myself in the ass and say I don't need a man to pursue my dream with. I can do this alone with my kids and build my own dream however the hell I want. The woman in me aches for a love though. I'm not quite sure what to do with that.

That is about as far as I got before my salsa mishap. Oy! By the way, this is absolutely the best salsa I have ever had in my life anywhere ever. . . e v e r ! ! !

So, I start chopping onions, peppers, tomatos, cilantro you name it. . . and it all has to boil for 10 minutes in the pot. . . simple enough right. . . here is that pic.



Now, after ten minutes of boiling, you have to take the hot jars out of the boiling water (I just keep them in the canner until ready to use). As I was moving the hot jars to the counter to be filled and sealed. . .. I dropped a jar, I dropped a BIG jar, into a boiling hot pan of salsa. I will not repeat here what I said as salsa flooded the kitchen, and. . . unfortunately . . . me. Here is that pic!



In the end, I escaped for the most part with only a few blisters *gross painful ugly nasty blisters* on my arm. I immediately ran for the cold water but, it still hurts. However, the 1/4 jar of salsa that was leftover has been promptly eaten. The other ten jars are cooling. I couldn't be happier with the salsa but. . .. once again . . . OUCH!

Pickling memories

Thursday I had the afternoon off of work. I had taken Makiah to summer camp and thought it was going to take the bulk of the afternoon but it didn't. It was such a sweet send off though! The camp is for girls ages 12-16 and is a 'coming of age' type of camp. At the send away ceremony all the girls, parents, mentors, board members and community members made a large circle. We all did a check in on how we were feeling I said I was grateful, Makiah said she was unique, it was pretty cool. After that, the girls said good-bye to their parents and stepped into the center ring together. The parents took one step back and community members stood in the center to signify the anchors for the girls as they begin to seperate from the parents and caregivers. It was powerful. . . . the girls all then walked in a circle to see the love and support they had, then it was OFF they go! I am sure she is having the most amazing time of her life. . . . in some ways I am jealous that I am not there to be a part of it all, but I think she needed time without mom over her shoulder.

I left and went to a used bookstore, they were having a great sale so I wound up with six books to pacify me for the next month until it is time to go back to school . . .. arghhhhhhh It has been SO nice to have teh summer off!

After that I decided I had enough time to make pickles, as the cucumber vines were getting way too heavy with cukes. SO . . . here was the rest of the afternoon in pictures. . . funny how one thing leads to another. It began so innocent, I was going to make one. .. O N E batch of pickles (that is 7 jars to non-canners)

Here is how it ended up . . .



Gather two kids and a five gallon bucket. Tell the kids to pick the big cucumbers off the vine . . . . gather the last of the garlic braid from the garden and the bundle of dill you bought at farmers market because you were woefully unable to grow dill this year in your garden . . . .

Wash the cukes, cut both ends off, seperate them into a big cukes and not so big cukes. Spend ten minutes pondering what the cut off point is for a big versus little cuke. Give up and realize that the beauty of homemade pickles is that it really just does not matter. . . Begin stuffing cukes into jars and rapidly realize you have far more then 7 jars of pickles. . .. rush to the shed and find more jars as fast as you can. . . because now you have more to wash and sterilize.

Look at the clock and realize that dinner is now going to be far later . . . .

When you are done packing and processing your 17 jars of pickles, realize that maybe its ok because they look absolutely delicious. Decide that one jar should go in the fridge right away!

Then . . . realize that you still have a bucket of blackberries that need processed. Consider baking a pie but then reconsider . . . . because the canner is already hot . . . . jars are already sterilized. . . make another 6 jars of blackberry jelly to go with the 12 yo already have. . . .

Then, realize that you still have blackberries but not enough for a full batch. Raid the fridge and find the cup of blueberries stuffed in the back . . . . raid the garden and find the handful of missed strawberries. . .. mix them all together and figure if it blows. . . it will still make good syrup for pancakes .. . . process another 6 jars of jelly . . .

Look at them lining up and console yourself knowing that about February. . . . your going to be very happy that those berries are still in use . . .

When you are all done, be grateful that you have another 30ish jars for the cupboard. . . .

What is funny, is that as I was processing this food, I was thinking alot. I reflected on my marriage and how it always felt so good to be preserving food and doing my part to contribute to my family. My husband loved to come home and see the jars out, he built me a large pantry to hold soups, veggies stews and salsa. I loved the homey feeling of working all day to see something at the end of it. I knew that my work in the garden and kitchen was providing security.

I was reflecting on this, because as a single woman sometimes I wonder if it is worth it. I know it is monetarily, I know it is healthier for my kids, and I don't mean just canning . . . . I mean growing food, preserving, cooking from scratch, baking bread, clipping coupons, the whole . . . . simple and frugal lifestyle. Sometimes though it feels like it is pointless . . . .

Right about the time I reflected on that my mother came to visit. For anybody who knows me, they know that my mother and I have a very rocky relationship that isn't very nice at times. There is alot of years of pain behind the relationship . . . . but that is a story for another time. Anyway, she came into the house as I was taking a batch out. As the lids began popping, my mom got all teary eyed. She began to talk about how she misses canning and how she loved that sound. It made her feel secure knowing that was one more jar sealed off for the winter.

In that moment. . . it made it worth it. I found something valuable and good that I have got from my mother . . . . and in that moment I brought back pleasant memories for her. That made the whole day worth it.