No pics, but lots of thoughts

My life feels like it has turned into an insane and out of control spinning wheel. There are days, like today, where I just don't know how this can continue. I don't know if its depression, if its exhaustion, if its all of everything put together. Something has to give, something has to change. I don't know what that is yet.

I was in a certain unit at work. For the sake of confidentiality I can't speak much of it, but the atmosphere was so very hostile. I went from a place of loving my job and enjoying each and every day to a place of utter fear of what each day would bring. I was very aware that it wasn't really me, it was the environment but that didn't help much.

One of the complicating factors of this situation is the fact that I currently have a practicum placement with my employer in another unit. What that means, in simple terms is that I work my regular job half time and spend half my time in a seperate unit working towards my Masters in Social Work. If I was to quit my job, that would mean losing my placement, which then means dropping out of graduate school. In reality, I don't want to do that though there are times I have great fantasies of a life where all that I have to do is sleep, eat, work and play wiht my children lol.

This week was a breakthrough though and I learned that I will be moving to a new unit. This was done to spare me, and I was told it was because they wanted to retain me as a social worker. Yay! So, while I am incredibly relieved and thankful that I have this opportunity, at the same time I recognize that there is a certain amount of stress in this, as it is a new unit. . . new people . . . new supervisor.

Grad school is exhausting me as well. I work four ten hour days, Fridays I am in school for eight hours, I have Saturday and Sunday to catch up on everything else and do homework for the week. Sometimes I think I am hanging on by my fingertips. I hope that I can continue this for another year . . . please God, give me the strength to keep going.

However I do have some hope. I have a new Dr. and saw her two weeks ago. She had some concerns and did a ton of bloodwork. Today was my first appointment again to go over the labs. She walked in and said "Katrina . . . how are you even functioning??"

That was my first clue that my labs weren't fabulous. SO, while I am a bit wierded out that something is wrong with me (I used to be so healthy and have never ever been sick until the past year) I am also relieved to know that I am not a hypochondriac and something actually is the matter with me. I also believe that this exhaustion and other symptoms I am having may actually have an end in site.

SO . . . Here is what I know.

I am not diabetic but my glucose levels were off enough that I am very close. Considering my family history of diabetes (runs rampant in both maternal and paternal families) we have agreed to treat me as if I have diabetes. I start on Glucophage tomorrow. The idea is that it will stabilize my blood sugars and keep me from being diabetic as long as possible. I will also continue eating right, always mixing a protein with a complex carb. This is simple enough for me.

What I didn't know . . . .

I have hypothyroidism. In other words, my thyroid gave up and went away. This was stunning to me because several of the symptoms are ones I have been complaining about in vain to my last dr.
*throat issues, hoarse voice, trouble swallowing, always feeling like something is in your throat
* unexplained weight gain, even when exercising and eating well
*hair falling out constantly
*exhaustion.

SO I start Synthroid tomorrow as well. I have never had to take a medication on a regular basis before so this is interesting . . . I don't even take tylenol or birth control pills. I have always been so very resistant to western medicine and physicians.

I have adrenal failure.
This is interesting . . .

So, from what I gather so far, keeping in mind I just found out and have very little knowledge. . . this is a condition that happens when the body is so stressed that it depletes itself of certain hormones (?) the effect is exhaustion (really???) depression (not sure?) mood swings (my kids may say so) but the most interesting one to me is food allergies, particularly ones that change and/or lactose and gluten intolerances.

THIS is monumental to me. I have been saying for a few years that my allergies are insane. I wasn't able to eat or even touch apples for several years but I can eat certain ones now. . . . I can be touched by a shrimp and have severe allergies yet the other day I accidently ate a whole shrimp (thought it was mar far chicken) and had no reaction whatsoever. I have asked about this for years to be told . . . nothing. Nata. I'm nuts.

Now . .. there is a reason. Even more exciting is that I can treat this one naturally without medication. Basically reduce stress, sleep well, and take a ton of supplements that support adrenal functioning . . . .I plan to study up on this well tonight.

And, last, but apparently not least because she gave alot of stress over this . . . my Vitamin D is almost non-existant. It's wayyyyyy low. Some of the side effects are uhmmmm exhaustion . . . lol . . . along with several other things I could identify with.

SO, tonight I am posting all of this to keep it in mind, to think about it, to ponder it. I have thought that my levels of exhaustion and feeling unable to cope is about me just not being strong enough, maybe its about me being human. Maybe I should have asked for help a long time ago. Maybe my body is telling me. . . screaming at me . . . to take care of it.

Maybe I should listen.