Today

This week has been rough. Jake came home from school sick, and though I was super busy at work I was somewhat relieved to have a day at home to just catch up on things. About 2 am Wednesday morning I woke with my throat on fire and a fever, of course, I caught what Jake had. I ended up missing the entire week of work but it was needed. I have been sorta spinning my wheels and running on empty. Yesterday and today I slept, cleaned a little bit, did some school work and slept some more.

And, today, I went to see a new therapist for the first time. It was a bit ackward, I guess as I am finishing my second year of graduate school and feel like I should be "fine" but, I'm not and that is getting more and more evident every day. I was nervous going to the office but it was on a nice and quiet tree lined street. We met and she took some history, of course, which was emberrassing as my history is sordid. I found myself saying "it wasn't as bad as it sounds" but in reality . . . it was. If I was to consider my kids living like I did then, I cringe. I don't want that . . .

She was very to the point, which I liked. She told me that during those years I was in survival mode. I guess she is right. It is strange, in that short hour she was able to pull more from me then anybody has before. I think it is partly her and partly that I have come to a place in my life where I really see that I need to do some work on myself.

We talked about my anger and how my mother triggers me. I talked about feeling enraged even being around mom, and wishing that I could at least temper myself around her. I could hear myself describing my life as "grey and blurry" and how I just feel overwhelmed with everything and I don't even know where to start.

We set some goals and then she told me taht this is so very normal for PTSD. I felt a bit stunned . . . PTSD? me? I mean . . . . yea I guess it sorta makes sense but, I just felt a bit shocked by that. She told me to take care of myself tonight, take the kids to dinner or do something that would be less stress. She said to make sure that my mom and I don't have much interaction tonight (we have a school program we all have to be at).

I found myself second guessing it as I left. "oh, just get over it . . . why dredge this up?" or "you are fine, you just make a big deal out of it " etc . . . then I remembered that I have always been told that. . . . . all my life. That I should get over it, not make a big deal out of things, stop looking or attention . . .. and I made the connection. No wonder I find it hard to work on me . . . . I have been told all my life that I shouldnt. So. I am going to.

I bought myself some seeds to plant this weekend, and planned a camping trip with the kids. I made a simple dinner chicken nuggets, tater tots, fresh fruit and sat outside at the picnic table with the kids. I planned to stay as far away from mom as I could, one problem . . . . Mom just called and is on her way here. I will follow the instructions and be as superficial as I can with mom, meaning . . .. don't go deep with her. Stay friendly and distant. Hopefully I can do that without blowing my top.

Breathe . . . in and out. . . . Breathe. . . .

Therapy?

So, yes, I started this blog to write about life as a mom and grad school and gardening but somehow it has morphed at times into my own personal journal. Tonight I am afraid if I don't write then I will forget the power of this moment, forget how painful and yet insightful this time of my life is.

With my history, I have certainly been able to recognize that there is pain and hurt but I always thought I just "got over it". I would work with clients who were paralyzed by depression and fear and thank God that I wasn't like that.

Then, second year of grad school hit and more and more . . . I see where my pain and my own scars are. I was considering doing some therapy with my prior therapist who I saw after my divorce. It's been three years since I saw her, and gave her a call. To make a long story short, I won't be seeing her again, but that isn't want got me. When we were talking about my history she said to me something that seems so obvious yet at the same time something that I just never "Got" before.

She spoke of my relationship with my mother and said that my mom was clearly borderline . . . . which is something that I have really recognized for awhile but not something that I necessarily thought somebody else woudl see. . . then she talked about how I had lived a life as a child where my feelings were always invalidated, a life where my relationships were never secure, and that now as an adult, I repeat those patterns in my relationships with others . . . my feelings are invalidated and do not matter. I choose partners that are not secure and then I sit and wonder why I am emotionally a wreck.

Ok, so . . . Captain Obvious I am not . . . I never made that connection, even in all the years of working with clients in crisis (oh so much easier to work on somebody else then to look at yourself). I never really stopped to look at the parallells between my serious relationships and the relationship with my mom. It seems so obvious I don't even know what to think about it.

This weekend I was thinking about how many times my mom would say that I got something in life because I was spoiled, or because I was lucky. When I was small I went with her to feed the elderly at a local church, when we left I told her how happy I was that they liked me (I had been very scared of them walking in). Mom looked at me and said "they only like you because your my daughter". nice. I remember being so sad, so very sad that they didn't really like me for me, but for her.

That pattern has played out so many times through my life. My kids were only good because she was around to help. I only had a nice home when I was married because of David. I only graduated college because she helped me. Never, once, ever have I done anything good simply because I worked hard, applied myself and stuck to it. Not in her eyes anyway. So, as a child growing up, I grew to realize that I was a person who wasn't good enough. I never worked hard enough, I never was smart enough, never planned well enough. Never, ever good enough.

When I would have a need, that was always secondary. It wasn't important to have new clothing for school . . . we could get hand me downs. It wasn't important to be safe at home, if somebody wanted to stay over I slept on the floor. It didn't matter if I was cold and walkign the streets alone at 12, because she was "finding herself" in the bar. It didn't matter that I was pregnant at 13 by her boyfriend, because it was easier for her to pretend it didnt matter. . . and from her, I learned that I didn't matter. I carried that feeling of not mattering through a rough marriage, where I became a doormat. I gave up having a vehicle, a telephone, friends, relationships . .. . I gave it all up because I had learned so very well, that my feelings just did not matter, and what was important was to hold somebody elses feelings as a priority.

I don't even know what to think now, with this knowledge. Though it seems so simple, it is revolutionary to me. It just . . .. opens my mind to so much. I want to think, I want to learn, I want to understand. I really really want to nurture myself, to care for the person that never has been cared for before. I want to care for my body both physical and emotional. I want to walk in peace with myself and know . . . know that I am ok. I want to learn to love myself, as cliche as that sounds . . . . I really really want to learn that I am alright. How do I do that? I don't know . . . .

how can I feel so sad and relieved at the same time?