This blog is . . . or was . . intended to be about my experiences as a single mom, my ups and downs, my journeys. Over the summer it took a huge emphasis on growing and preserving, lately I haven't wrote as much. Life lately has been busy and spinning out of control. Some days I can't even get enough energy to read my children a book let alone come on here and write . . . yet writing is my release, my way of getting my feelings out, my way of processing.
This always goes to a strange place. . . . is a public forum like a blog the right place to process what is going on in ones life? In many ways I think not, well, not for me. I am a somewhat private person, I may be very vocal with loved ones but not with others. The thought of sharing emotions with anybody makes me uncomfortable.
On the other hand, I have grown and stretched and learned from people who were willing to do just that. To be open. To be vulnerable. To reach out. To be honest. I can't think of how many times in my life I have been wandering the internet and found somebody's personal story and it moved me, or it made me think of something else, or it brought up a new perspective, maybe for me, maybe for a client, but it was valuable in some way.
So with that said, I probably may get more raw in my writings and postings at times. I am in a bit of an emotional upheaval in my own life and I am seeking an outlet. If somebody is not comfortable with reading that, then they certainly don't have to, they can scroll past to see the pictures of jellys and applesauce and happy children picking peaches . . . . and there is nothing wrong with that.
What brought this on for me was a somewhat recent development in my life. For some time I have been going to the gym and working out, but recently I started with a new trainer and on a new program. Granted I am not searching to be a model but I do want to begin seeing a difference in my health and my body. My old workouts weren't cutting it.
I met my new trainer at 5 am several weeks ago, on a Thursday morning. I was a bit intimidated by her but I showed up anyway because I also value her knowledge. Well, she had told me to prepare for a good workout and she wasn't kidding. 90 minutes later dripping in sweat I was done. I had my plan set up, I knew what path to take.
As I began my daily workouts I pushed myself. I am only 34, I am reasonably healthy and I wanted to go as far as I could. What has come out of this is shocking to me. I realize that as I push myself to the point of exhaustion (in a good way) my muscles begin to tremble and shake, its a slightly out of control feeling but at the same time a completly in control feeling because I am doing this by my own choice. I am controlling my body . . . something very very different for me.
The first time it happened I was lying on my back lifting weights, maybe it was the position, maybe it was the out of control, maybe it was a lot of things but I began to shake, I pushed myself, and then, out of nowhere, I began to sob. This was a strange silent sobbing like I have never ever encountered. I had no idea where it was coming from, I just sobbed and sobbed and the more I sobbed the more I pushed myself. I was confused and very angry at the same time.
I thought that maybe I just had a rough morning, maybe it was my recent medical stuff, who knows. Over the next week it happened several more times, each time catching me completely off guard. Then I was home running on my treadmill. I was increasing my time actually running and was struggling with that but pushing myself. All of a sudden I found myself sobbing again and thinking . . . . for the first time during one of these episodes . . . . about my childhood sexual abuse. It just all came together for me. This is the first time in my entire life that I have been in control of my body, when I was recognizing my muscles, when I was in tune with how I was feeling in every inch of my skin. That was horribly difficult . . .
After I got done with that workout I began thinking about this, and have been processing for days. I realize more then ever that while I was being abused I would "check out". I hated what was going on so badly that I would remove myself physically. I had patterns . . . if it was the bedroom then I would count the tiles on the ceiling in a certain pattern, usually by the time I did it twice he was done. If it was the hallway I would look for flies in the screen and count them repetitiously until it was over. I would make patterns. I would play connect the dots with the flies in order to prevent feeling my stepfather taking complete control of my body. By disconnecting with my body I couldn't feel when he pushed me a certain way, slapped me, moved me or hit me. By disconnecting with the situation I was able to get through labor completely unmedicated at 13 years old with a 9 pound baby. By disconnecting I was able function for another year and a half in the house with a man who raped me daily and threatened my babies life if I didn't comply.
I realize that I have spent the rest of my life disconnecting. I have had people tell me this, that I don't connect well, that I don't trust, that I don't seem like I can truly *be present* . . . with two exceptions. First my children . . . . and second clients I work with. I think I always knew that this was partially true but I thought I was fine . . . healed from the past . . . I am a graduate student studying to be a therapist . .. I am great . . . I am over it.
This has made me realize . . . truly see for the first time that I am not over it, and that the sexual abuse as a child has still impacted my life greatly. I am 34 and single. It isn't for lack of partners but I just can't get myself to a place of letting them in. I don't know how to do that. I put up walls, I make excuses, I say I am too busy . . .
I realize as I write this that since I have begun crying during my workouts, crying over feeling every cell in my body coming alive that it is a bit like hybernation . . .. I have been hybernating for over 20 years. It is time for me to wake up. Time to come alive and feel the light of this life, to feel an awareness in my body that is positive and not coming from a place of fear. Time for me to be fuly who I am. It's finally time.
