Today

This week has been rough. Jake came home from school sick, and though I was super busy at work I was somewhat relieved to have a day at home to just catch up on things. About 2 am Wednesday morning I woke with my throat on fire and a fever, of course, I caught what Jake had. I ended up missing the entire week of work but it was needed. I have been sorta spinning my wheels and running on empty. Yesterday and today I slept, cleaned a little bit, did some school work and slept some more.

And, today, I went to see a new therapist for the first time. It was a bit ackward, I guess as I am finishing my second year of graduate school and feel like I should be "fine" but, I'm not and that is getting more and more evident every day. I was nervous going to the office but it was on a nice and quiet tree lined street. We met and she took some history, of course, which was emberrassing as my history is sordid. I found myself saying "it wasn't as bad as it sounds" but in reality . . . it was. If I was to consider my kids living like I did then, I cringe. I don't want that . . .

She was very to the point, which I liked. She told me that during those years I was in survival mode. I guess she is right. It is strange, in that short hour she was able to pull more from me then anybody has before. I think it is partly her and partly that I have come to a place in my life where I really see that I need to do some work on myself.

We talked about my anger and how my mother triggers me. I talked about feeling enraged even being around mom, and wishing that I could at least temper myself around her. I could hear myself describing my life as "grey and blurry" and how I just feel overwhelmed with everything and I don't even know where to start.

We set some goals and then she told me taht this is so very normal for PTSD. I felt a bit stunned . . . PTSD? me? I mean . . . . yea I guess it sorta makes sense but, I just felt a bit shocked by that. She told me to take care of myself tonight, take the kids to dinner or do something that would be less stress. She said to make sure that my mom and I don't have much interaction tonight (we have a school program we all have to be at).

I found myself second guessing it as I left. "oh, just get over it . . . why dredge this up?" or "you are fine, you just make a big deal out of it " etc . . . then I remembered that I have always been told that. . . . . all my life. That I should get over it, not make a big deal out of things, stop looking or attention . . .. and I made the connection. No wonder I find it hard to work on me . . . . I have been told all my life that I shouldnt. So. I am going to.

I bought myself some seeds to plant this weekend, and planned a camping trip with the kids. I made a simple dinner chicken nuggets, tater tots, fresh fruit and sat outside at the picnic table with the kids. I planned to stay as far away from mom as I could, one problem . . . . Mom just called and is on her way here. I will follow the instructions and be as superficial as I can with mom, meaning . . .. don't go deep with her. Stay friendly and distant. Hopefully I can do that without blowing my top.

Breathe . . . in and out. . . . Breathe. . . .