Is this the part when i pull my hair out because I can't figure it out. Somebody needs to make me a set of dating rules, what you can do and what you cant. yes you can keep friends and go out but no, not if it makes your partner uncomfortable. But what makes your partner uncomfortable. how do you know. Thats why dating sucks. Thats why people should just be single or get married. No in between. If I was married I would never go out during the week and have drinks with friends.

I love him. Thats what it boils down to. I love him and feel like just with one choice to go out and have drinks I have lost him. I think its more then that but I don't know what it is. this is the first time he has refused talking to me and it feels like shit. I'm sure I am pulling all my own bullshit into it but it hurts, it feels like shit and I don't understand.

I see a goodbye coming. The closing of a door because I am too much of a pain in the ass. I'm not worth the time to work it out. This wasn't my intention and sometimes I don't know why I am such a stupid bitch about this stuff. I am so confused, my mind is spinning in circles. I don't know what made the problem. was it going out? was it drinking? I don't get it . . . we go out and drink . . . was it not asking first? Or . . was . . I don't know??? What happened so that even a phone call is not alright.

I just want to know the rules. I just want to know how to love him and have him as my own and yet keep the piece of me that he was drawn to in the first place. The piece of me that is active and outgoing and lives a full life.

What happened? Where did I go wrong? Why does this always happen . .. its like im woefully uncapable of keeping a man . . . any man . . . happy. It never mattered before but, it was never him before. This relationship is different. This is the man I want to grow old with, the one I want to watch the age weather his face, I want to see him grow and learn and expand . . I want to walk down the street holding his hand when we are old and grey, I want to explore this world with him. This matters. This is worth fighting for. I don't know what to fight for though.

God . . .. did I throw it away over a few drinks? Really? Or is it something else. Something I can't see. I don't know. Why can't I figure this out?