sometimes I wonder why I do what I do?

Why I feel the need to destroy something before it can even get off the ground. There is safety in being sheltered and alone. Safety in holding the walls and doors around me. Safety in the certainty that no pain can come. Do I strive for that safety to the point of destroying my own happiness?

I feel it coming, that mad desperate need to run from absolute fear. I want to be different this time. I want to dig my feet in and stay. I need to stop running out of fear. Pain happens. I can take it. I have taken it before. I can take it again.

it would be so easy to walk away, go back to what I know, finally give in to the fight. It would be so easy to live within the madness that never touches me deeply. So easy to live a lie of a life and shut down again. I don't want that though. I don't. right?