drunk blogging again. not good. I wonder if i will have to delete this post to. Sometimes i write and write . . .coming back later and realizing that i make an ass out of myself when I do this. Tonight I am so torn up and raw I dont care. i'm blogging. hell with it.

this has been such a bad week at work, starting with traveling out of state to pick up a child who did not want to come with me. She made her plans, she wanted to stick with it. i wished she could have but the law is the law and I pulled her back with me. The plan was for me to have a few days off to make up for it but alas, there was no placement for thsi child so i have been babysitter de jur.

I wouldn't have minded had she been slightly reasonable, instead I am the queen of all evil to her. I spend my days being accosted by her, screamed at, cursed out, alternating between how much she loves me and how scared she is to having her tell me she may as well kill herself now because she wants to die . . . all because of me. When I don't have the pleasure of her company I have been working myself to the bone to prepare to send this child back to the state she wants to be in . . . . until today. until it came out that serious sex abuse apparently was happening. Of course I understand it. Nobody else does. i'm thrust into my own situation where I was willign to keep my mouth shut about being raped daily because it meant I had food on the table and a bed to sleep in. Gone were the days of sleeping in a car or under a tree. i had a fire a night, and it was well worth the embarrassment of having to be raped by a man thirty years older then me. After awhile rape no longer hurts. It settles into a numbness, a shield that protects the body and soul for the harsh realities of your body being invaded at somebody elses beck and call.

I'mfighting for her and she doesn't even know. She doesnt care. She cussed me out, spit on me and threw a book at me today. She told me she will get loaded regardless of what i say. She hates me. I should be dead and shewould be fine. It was lovely. I wonder what will happen when I tell her she can't go back.

I move from her to my next child, a child who spent the entire hour talking about her abuse, her trauma, her pain. She will be ok . . . she has a solid base. . . .

Back to the office I go, thinking hwo nice it would be to go hoem early, cook dinner, play with my babies. I was . . . am . . . exhausted. I miss my lover, I miss my bed, I miss my energy. I wanted to be home and recharge. Then . . . I get the call . . .

another young girl I have sent home, one I made a contraversial decision about . . .one I have been watching and monitering the best I can . . . made a suicide attempt. For confidentiality I can't speak of it but the poitn is I am responsible. I sent her home. I sent her into a pit of vipers who started again and wasn't there to save her. She t ried to save herself through death.

what the fuck am I thinking that I can do this job. I did exactly what I set out not to do. I placed a child at risk. A child almost lost her life. A child still could lose her life or her functioning. Why? because I sent her home. I . . . of all peopple . .. know that home is never safe. what was I thinking.

I came home after working several mroe hours to find myself utterly devastated. i don't know that I can continue with this line of work. I don't know how to find the words to tell her im sorry. I don't know why i thought I was well enough to do this. im fucked up and now she is fucked up.

I came home to beer and sobbing. maybe its the stress of the last few weeks, maybe its traveling, maybe its exhaustion or maybe its all. I am a mess. and, in the middle of my mess, is bill, always bill. Right there to remind me how weak and pathetic I am next to him. Right there to remind me that my lover and I will never be. Right there to tell me on one hand how much he loves me and on the other hand to tell me that he doesn't care what I ask. I told him if he cared then let me love my lover. Let me be happy, let me move on. Let me be. Just be. Thats all I ask. with his swagger he reminds me that he goes where he wants, does what he does. Its just like that. I have no choice.

im thinking its best ot just go. run. leave. gone. Why fight it. why?