Im already feeling the frustration grow in me. I started my placement today which went better then I could have expected. I was up at 530, getting ready to head out. I wasn't sure what to expect for my first day so just dressed casual and hoped for the best. When I got to the town I realized I forgot the directions. Great. I thought I could remember . . . haha nope. I realized that I had the old directions in my planner though and pulled up one minute before seven am. Perfecto!

The morning started off great, I got a tour of the entire facility, met the physicians and several nurses. I was able to meet the man who runs the addictions program (which I may be working with!) and other pertinent individuals. I was excited to see my office. I have a desk by a window. The office is simply decorated in tribal sayings, prints and articles. On the windowsill by my desk is a nesting of sticks as well as a piece of root that is burned ceremoniously by tribal members. It's a good reminder that this is a different kind of a work environment.

I watched videos the rest of the morning and then my new field instructor took me for lunch. We talked about various aspects of my work and what I wanted to do. She mentioned my queerness a few times. I realized I felt like a traitor. Am I still queer? I guess I am but I am with a male now, and that changes everything. I finally felt that to withhold that information would be misleading so I told her. It was interesting. Her reaction was more that of curiousity. We talked about it a little bit later as well. I didn't feel judgement but it made me realize how different this world may be for me. The day continued to be working out details such as voicemail, badges etc. It ended with a bang when a crisis happened and I was the only one available. Trial by fire I suppose.

So, I got out later then I anticipated and pulled back into town around six pm. Tired . . hot . . overwhelmed . . .I realized I had to stop for milk and bread. Into the store I trudge, my legs worn out and all I wantedto do was get home. I gathered my groceries and pull into my driveway only to be met by my kiddo. She was sobbing hysterically because Kiah locked her in the room for two hours. Not good. NOT GOOD AT ALL. Struggling under groceries and sobbing kids I meet Kiah who announces that I was the one who told her to keep Hannah in the room. My anger flew through the roof. Why would I say that? Ever? It makes no sense. Kiah and I are hashing it out while I am putting away groceries and trying to shred the roast in the crock pot for tacos.

Finally . . . dinner on the table, I still haven't sat down. I'm frustrated and tired. I dish teh kids food for them and sit at the table while they eat. Eating at this point holds no appeal for me at all. I just want to sit and do nothing. This obviously is not in the cards for me tonight. As I am trying to gather my breath I hear about Hannah wanting to play vollyball and Jake wants flag football . .. my minds screaming "WHEN WHEN WHEN" . . . Kiah is having an attitude and tells her boyfriend they can't go to homecoming cus I said no (I said no if she didn't straighten her attitude). Katies not home so I begin cleaning up after the dinner mess while doing yet another load of never ending laundry . . . dreaming of a moment to sit. . . just . . .. sit . ..

Of course, then it was sweeping, yelling at kids to take out the trash, folding the laundry . . jake can't find socks for tomorrow . . . the bedroom is a mess again . . . jakes shirts are missing OH NO they are under the stack of dirty laundry because he never put them away . . . oh my god are you kidding me . . .

Did I mention the bag of dog food split open and was spread down the hall? Seriously? Why me god? Why?

So, I gave up, left the mess, collapsed to read another chapter of Harry Potter. I pulled the wreckage of a room into the center and threatened them with their lives or at least no more ice cream if they don't have it done tomorrow . .. now its quarter after eight and I am finally sitting. I am worn out. My body hurts and my head is killing me.

This will get better. I will adjust. I need to organize . . . I bought frozen pizza for tomorrow, hell with nutrition. Hurry up June . . .