The pieces came together today. I'm not in a place in my life at thsi moment that I can unpack them but today it was like a jigsaw puzzle and the pieces came together. I realized things I never had a clue about before and it is surreal. It is bordering on painful but tonight, it can't be. Tonight I want t smile and I want it all ok. Tonight I don't want to think about the reality that soon is slamming home to me. Then again, its not reality, it is history. i am in a safe place to think about this history. I am an adult now and this gives so many answers to so many questions. I can't belive teh obvious wasn't so obvious before. I need to not go there right now but at the same time I can't shake the inevitable, its bordering on the brink . . . right there . . .threatening to slip into my emotional reality any minute. I am fighting harder to contain this primal scream then I ever have had to maintain any emotion. The terror and sadness is so close, so bordering teh edge. God I hope I make it through this night. I don't want to fuck everything up because I can't control myself. Please god why now. Why do I have to have this realizeation on thsi day at this moment. Oh god.