Lying here thinking about tomorrow, i realized what is bothering me. All my life . . . im the one that nobody wants. Not really wants . . . I'm the one that is the fun, the thrill of the moment, the one that is exciting and interesting to pass the time with until the right one comes along. Nobody has ever stayed. Nobody has ever stopped long enough to look at my soul and decide that I was worth it.

My last love thought I was worth it when it was convenient . . . like so many before him. I have dated women, dated men, dated some in between. I have learned that I am not one who grabs people and pushes them to the level of pure love and commitment. Maybe a committed relationship for a while . .. a month . . . six . . .even years . . . but eventually, I am lost and forgotten and do not matter anymore. I realize this is my pattern. I'm intelligent enough to realize that I am putting it out there like that. I am saying that I am not worth it.

I catered to my husband . . . whatever he asked I jumped for. Whatever he wanted I did it. Even when i didn't want to, even when every fiber in my being was saying no, no, no. I did it out of love, and then, there was the betrayal, not only to me as his wife but to his family. He hurt all of us so deeply. Since then the relationships have been surface level, they haven't went to the heart of it. They skim the surface. I am forced to put away my desire and need for a true partner in order to satisfy sexual whims and hold up facades like a curtain. Why do I do this?

Why do I consistently find myself in this pattern? Is it my own insecurity and fear of being alone or rejected that makes me passively agree to whatever the desire of my partner is? Paired with the self conscious and overarching feeling of worthlessness in a relationship that I settle for whatever I can get instead of clearly stating my needs? Why do I do this?

I want to love, I want to know that somebody can love me. I don't even know if they can? I don't know that i am well enough to even go there. Maybe there is a reason. Maybe Jim was right when he was screaming that I wasn't wife material and never would be . . . when he screamed I was only worth a fuck in the bedroom and barely at that. maybe . . when he said that I will never ever find a man because I am no good as a woman . . . maybe he was right. Maybe I should remain in my cocoon of a world. Maybe its time to go back inside.