Typing tonight out of frustration. Frustration born from never truly knowing what I want. I think I want something, so sure of myself, so absolute in the direction I am heading then something comes along and slaps me across the face, makes me question everything. The moment I feel balanced I feel slapped again. It isn't always a negative thing, not a bad thing, but maybe some things are just better left alone.

After the events of last June, I swore I would remain alone and celibate forever. The idea of moving any part of myself into anybody elses sphere did not appeal to me at all. I made plans to relocate when Katies done with school, plans to buy a house on 10 acres and hibernate the rest of my days out. Oh, not antisocial, no. Just alone. By myself. Thats me, thats what I want.

Funny thing is, when you are alone day in and day out, it becomes the norm. You no longer miss waking up in somebody's arms or asking how somebody's day was. You no longer look forward to making a special meal for your loved one or the friday night dates that you can reconnect with. No . . . you just begin to indulge in long solitary bubble baths, good books and isolation. Which is all fine. . . until one quirk of fate changes it all.

He was just sitting there, minding his business, alone . . . like me. . . we talked . . . we shared that spark . . .we went out. . . . we went from there. All of a sudden the dormant parts of my self was just thrust wide awake and ready. Its as if over a year of lying in hibernation brought everything out full force. . . I wanted him . . I wanted more. . . I still want more. But, when all is said and done, I cant imagine more. What would that look like at this time of my life.

I suppose its lucky that he has no intention on anything more. That keeps me balanced. There is that part of me that lies in bed at night and wonders . . . what if? What. . . . if?? and not necessarily just with him . . . I mean, yes, I like him. yes he is sweet and kind and has much to offer but, I don't know that he would be the one. I don't know that he wouldn't. I don't know.

But what I do know is that since the moment he walked into my life it seems that something in me has been released. All of a sudden I have more men asking me for dates, more comments, more setups then I have had in years. I am overwhelmed with people calling and wanting to connect. I don't know how to handle it. I don't know if I want to handle it. I want to curl back in my corner and stay there until somebody that is perfect steps forward and promises it will all be alright. That won't happen though, because this is the real world. Sometimes, the real world sucks. Fantasy is far better.

So, tonight I have a tumultuous storm of emotions. I have doubts and fears, I have concerns, I have joy and I have hope. I just need to settle and stop analyzing, stop thinking, stop pushing away out of fear. I need to realize I can leave my past behind me and slowly move to the future . . . and not alone. Not with him . . . no, hes made that clear but maybe with somebody. In the past two weeks I have met a backpacker, a christian daddy of three, a waterfall seeker, an old flame and a police officer . . . I have a host of options. I have people to meet . . . to get to know . . . to learn more from . . . So why am I so scared?